This was such a beautiful thing to read. In my struggles with self-injury I had so many rituals for how and when I would hurt myself. But as it got worse the need to always have some way to do it if needed became stronger.
I understand so much of what you mean by strong emotions whether good or bad can elicit a fear response in our brains that says “something is wrong and you need to fix it but you can’t so you need to punish yourself.” If you’re happy you don’t deserve to be happy so punish yourself. If you’re sad well of course you are and deserve it so punish yourself.
Hopefully not too much info or over sharing but I think that realizing that even when I was in a psych ward and found a way to hurt myself, I realized that my mind is going to need to work harder every day to keep the good coping mechanisms working and going over old habits.
I hope the joy and happiness you feel grows stronger and more often every day so that you may feel it and adjust to the response your mind created itself in.
This was such a beautiful thing to read. In my struggles with self-injury I had so many rituals for how and when I would hurt myself. But as it got worse the need to always have some way to do it if needed became stronger.
I understand so much of what you mean by strong emotions whether good or bad can elicit a fear response in our brains that says “something is wrong and you need to fix it but you can’t so you need to punish yourself.” If you’re happy you don’t deserve to be happy so punish yourself. If you’re sad well of course you are and deserve it so punish yourself.
Hopefully not too much info or over sharing but I think that realizing that even when I was in a psych ward and found a way to hurt myself, I realized that my mind is going to need to work harder every day to keep the good coping mechanisms working and going over old habits.
I hope the joy and happiness you feel grows stronger and more often every day so that you may feel it and adjust to the response your mind created itself in.
you get it. thank you for reading and for sharing — it’s so hard! so hard! sending the same hopes your way ♥️
Oh Ari 🥹 the end really got me. Thank you for writing this. Yes to more feelings and a bigger window of tolerance 💗
we are doing hard things!!! <3