i am constantly grieving the version of myself who didn't want to be alive
+ your poem/song rec
cw // suicidal ideation
Now that I’m no longer actively suicidal, I’m unpacking all the choices I made because I didn’t expect to live this long. The risky behavior. The recklessness. The deep-seated belief I did not deserve to be loved.
I’m also unpacking the decisions I made that have affected my long-term plans. For example, I can’t have children now, but in my early 20s, I decided (assumed) I didn’t want to have children because of my visceral fear of dying my suicide. I believed that no matter how hard I tried, I would fail at being happy, and inevitably leave my kids behind, traumatizing them forever.
When I was at my lowest, I isolated myself because I believed that making new connections would give me more reasons to stay alive. It wasn’t until I was around 25 that I began to feel more comfortable making new friends and establishing community.
I used to feel a desperate urge to become successful right after undergrad due to the belief that I was running out of time—not because I didn’t believe it was impossible to find success in my late 20s or 30s (and beyond)—I just didn’t think I’d be here to do it.
Because I’m no longer numb to my feelings, I remember why I wanted to be numb in the first place. To feel sadness—even if only a fraction as deep as it was at my worst—is often intolerable. I still struggle to believe that these emotions will pass, despite the undeniable proof that they absolutely will.
I am scared that one day, it will hit out of nowhere, and despite all the progress I’ve made, the brief, ferocious desire to hurt myself will be stronger than my ability to endure.
When we talk about anticipatory grief, it’s usually within the context of a sick or dying family member, pet, or friend. When we know we will lose someone we love, we prepare ourselves for the day that it happens. Conversely, it’s rare we consider the grief we feel when we plan to lose ourselves*. And when we talk about survivor’s guilt, it’s often within the context of losing someone in the same way [the feeling suggests] we should not have survived**. Staying alive this long has thrown me into a perpetual cycle of anticipation and guilt.
I often think about celebrities who have died by suicide after years of success, opportunity, and access to mental health care. It bolsters the fear that I could one day, years down the line, decide to take my life, despite it all.
And also, I feel this very complex survivor’s guilt towards myself. I’m constantly grieving the version of myself who outlived the version of myself who tried not to be alive.
These days, I don’t fear death, I fear myself. I am angry that I gave myself an expiration date and I don’t know what to do with all this bonus time I didn’t expect to have. I am terrified that allowing myself to feel my feelings is opening the opportunity for me to spiral down again, and I don’t want to risk losing out on this beautiful life I’ve built.
To be alive after trying to die is the constant push and pull between grief and desire. Part of me will always be sad to have survived. All of me will always want more.
*There are exceptions to this, like those with terminal illnesses
**and also, others I’ve lost through suicide
poem of the week:
songs of the month:
couldn’t just pick one: I’m feeling not at all normal about these two songs from Jensen McRae’s deluxe album, I Don’t Know How But They Found Me…Again!
all the love, all the warmth, all the light,
housekeeping:
i made a doc full of book recommendations for people who want to read more poetry but don’t know where to start!
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unfold: poetry + prose, is available on amazon, bookshop, indigo, b&n, or wherever you get books <3
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i love you. and i see you. and i am so glad you're here.
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who i am: a writer, a lover, and a very Black + queer person. i love deeply, forget rarely, and spend most of my time cuddling with my dog, my cat, and my partner.
who i'm not: a therapist, mental health professional, or emergency service. i love hearing the stories of your experiences, but please don't send explicit or triggering details of your story without my prior consent.
if you're in crisis, please call 911 or use any of the following resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741
S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673
Thank you for sharing <3 these are my exact thoughts. I didn’t think I would be here in my 30s but here I am despite it all, so Im going to keep going.
did u somehow gain access to my inner thoughts or something