honest reflections one year after my hysterectomy

i've been grieving! it's been hard! (+ your weekly poem + song rec)

cw // mentions suicide/suicidal ideation

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Two years ago, on me and Gerald’s 5th wedding anniversary, I spent half the day in our Cabo hotel room crying from my body’s unforgivable pain.

One year ago, I couldn’t stand for more than 15 minutes without getting winded. I canceled almost all of my plans. I couldn’t keep my medication down. I couldn’t get out of bed or do anything productive without a heating pad strapped to my belly.

Because of this, the decision to get a hysterectomy was an easy one — my surgeon explained that it could significantly reduce my pain, and infertility was obviously one of the more serious consequences. But around the two or three-year mark of me and Gerald’s now 10-year relationship, we’d decided we wouldn’t have children, so the only anticipated consequence of the surgery became the difficult recovery.

When I was a kid, I’d imagined myself as a mother. My old scrapbooks contain the names of the children I thought I’d have and describe the lives I hoped we’d live. But if I am to be completely transparent, a major contributor to my child-free decision was the ever-present instability of my mental health.

Although I’m currently successfully managing my mental health — from therapy to medication to a treatment program one year into my marriage — part of me still feared that I’d one day wake up and decide that enough was enough. I didn’t want my child to have a mother who died by suicide.

Gerald and I also talked about other things, from the money we didn’t have to the time we deeply valued. If we were to have a child, we wanted to ensure they got the best versions of us, and we knew it would be a long time before those versions were ready (and financially stable) for a baby. Not to mention, historically, Black women statistically have higher maternal mortality rates, and because I already had reproductive issues, the idea didn’t bring me any comfort. So, I scheduled the hysterectomy.

me the day of surgery :)

The ultimate reason for removing the uterus was because of a condition called adenomyosis, where the endometrium (the lining of the uterus) grows into the muscular walls of the uterus. Despite growing in the wrong place, that lining continued to act as usual, thickening, breaking down, and bleeding within my uterine muscles each month. On top of that, I had several fibroids. Needless to say, it was painful.

The other cause of my pain came from endometriosis, a chronic condition that forced me to run my errands with a TENS machine stuck to my abdomen at the highest power to lessen the pain.

this level of bloating is often called “endo belly” and can make people look, well, pregnant !!! this was in 2019!

Because I’m petty, I absolutely would wish endo on my worst enemy, because the pain has completely changed my life. Some people say their pain from childbirth doesn’t even come close to their endo pain. Partners have left their significant others with the condition. People have lost jobs, friends, and even the desire to live.

My surgeon made it clear that she’d remove my uterus and all of the endo she could find, but that there is currently no cure for endometriosis: There’s always a chance it could come back.

Over the last year, I have endured a heavy, unexpected grieving process. I have cried over the children I will never carry and have felt jealousy over my friends becoming mothers despite still feeling confident that I do not want to be a mother.

I am also grieving the body I had years ago — the body I didn’t have to worry about. Chronic illness, on top of challenging mental health, is a terrible combination. To increase my chances of staying pain-free, excluding some manageable pain from scar tissue, I have to love my body.

It took six months before I started feeling normal again and eight months before I could begin using my body in ways that I hadn’t been able to in years. I’m doing everything the doctors are telling me to do. I’ve changed my diet. I’m going to the gym every weekday. I can take walks with Gerald again. I am no longer so bloated that I look pregnant. I’ve developed a nasty case of medical anxiety, fearing that every twinge and cramp and twist meant that something else was wrong with me or that the endo returned. I’m pushing through it anyway.

recent hike + gym successes :)

In the last year, I’ve had to care for myself in a way I’ve never cared for myself before. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve hit lows I forgot existed. I’m seeing the light I’d always hoped was there. I’m re-learning this body and what it means to thrive inside of it.

I’m loving myself out of an act of mercy — out of an act of survival.

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your poem rec:

The moon rose over the bay. I had a lot of feelings. by Donika Kelly

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your song rec:

I Know You Too Well by Ally Nicholas

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all the love, all the warmth, all the light,

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housekeeping:

• icymi: i made a doc full of book recommendations for people who want to read more poetry but don’t know where to start!

• don’t forget to complete your one click today to support aid efforts in Palestine

• unfold: poetry + prose, is available on amazon, bookshop, indigo, b&n, or wherever you get books <3

• you can still buy paper girl from amazon, barnes & noble, indigo, or your local indie.

• i love you. and i see you. and i am so glad you're here.

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who i am: a writer, a lover, and a very Black + queer person. i love deeply, forget rarely, and spend most of my time cuddling with my dog, my cat, and my partner.

who i'm not: a therapist, mental health professional, or emergency service. i love hearing the stories of your experiences, but please don't send explicit or triggering details of your story without my prior consent. 

if you're in crisis, please call 911 or use any of the following resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741

• S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)

• Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237

• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673

• The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386