why i pay more attention to my inner teen vs. my inner child

reflecting on my teenage self + your weekly song and poem recs

Jul 31, 2024

a photo of ari b. cofer on a rooftop overlayed with the text "why i pay more attention to my inner teen vs. my inner child"

cw // mentions of suicidal ideation

My teenage self was great at being sad. She had no semblance of optimism, wanting to disappear more and more with each passing second.

Today, I don’t have to think too hard to remember my younger self’s feelings; they’re still far more accessible than I wish they were. I often feel like I’m having an ongoing argument with my teenage self — no, Ari, this isn’t worth hurting yourself over. Yes, Ari, you are allowed to feel joy.

Sometimes, it feels like I was the most alive during my teenage years, despite attempting to take my life three times before nineteen. My therapist once said that it’s common to feel stuck at a certain age, and some days, I feel fourteen, dancing to Taylor Swift in my friends’ bedrooms. Other days, I feel fifteen, crying to Linkin Park on my bedroom carpet. I feel like a rule-breaking sixteen-year-old. A devastatingly sad seventeen-year-old. When I look in the mirror, it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust and see the 29-year-old version of myself.

As attached as I am to the younger versions of myself, there is one key aspect that we no longer share — I don’t want to die anymore. There are (many) days when the desire snakes its way up my throat, and there are even more days when thoughts about dying are so strong that I am tempted to listen to them. You don’t want to die anymore, Ari, I tell my teenage self when those thoughts come up. You don’t want to die anymore, Ari, I tell my present-day self.

At the beginning of my recovery, I thought that I would be abandoning my younger self if I also abandoned my suicidality. With how much I wanted to die as a teenager, I am surprised at how deeply I want to keep my teenage self alive — especially since she tried to prevent this future version of me from existing. I am also surprised about the amount of anger my younger self carries. I often feel like I betrayed her by staying alive and waiting to see if this life got any better. It’s not better, I tell my teenage self, but we are better.

I know that, in part, I wish to keep my teenage self alive because while she lived quite the life — road-tripping cross-country with friends, smoking out of dirty bongs, climbing up rooftops, and marathon-binging Grey’s Anatomy — she was never alive. I want her to live now, even if it means I have to sit with the anger and sadness that I tried to run from back then, even if it means I have to learn to love her, her mess, and her tired, bleeding, hungry heart.

quick announcement!

as i settle into my final semester of grad school, i’m finally rediscovering a publishing cadence that feels good for me. this newsletter will still be (mostly) weekly, but i have decided to unpause my paid subscriptions.

i go back and forth on whether or not i like the idea of paid subscriptions because i want my content to be accessible. however, the earnings from this substack fund my writing endeavors and help me continue to write more for you (and for me!)

here’s my compromise — i’d love for you to become a paid subscriber if you like this newsletter. however, if you don’t have the financial means to contribute, please reach out to me, and i will give you access. i’ve also put my archive behind a paywall, and the same applies — if you want to access my older content but can’t afford to be a paid subscriber, please let me know!

writing/journaling prompts are also coming for paid subscribers, and hopefully more soon :)

with love + poetry,

a poem to get you through the week

OBIT [Friendships] by Victoria Chang

an anthem for my besties who love to self isolate

Someone Who’s Trying by The Band CAMINO

silly tweets for a good little haha

housekeeping:

icymi: i made a doc full of book recommendations for people who want to read more poetry but don’t know where to start!
don’t forget to complete your one click today to support aid efforts in Palestine
unfold: poetry + prose, is available on amazon, bookshop, indigo, b&n, or wherever you get books <3
you can still buy paper girl from amazon, barnes & noble, indigo, or your local indie.
i love you. and i see you. and i am so glad you're here.

who i am: a writer, a lover, and a very Black + queer person. i love deeply, forget rarely, and spend most of my time cuddling with my dog, my cat, and my partner.

who i'm not: a therapist, mental health professional, or emergency service. i love hearing the stories of your experiences, but please don't send explicit or triggering details of your story without my prior consent.

if you're in crisis, please call 911 or use any of the following resources:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741
S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386