looking for a lifeline?
what i do when i can't ask for help (+ your weekly song/poem rec)
two days, i wrote in my journal, everything in my life is tied to my history with suicidality. somehow, i still believe that where i am now is where i’ll be forever.
while i’ve proven this sentiment to be untrue time and time again—within my relationships, career, and mental health—i have yet to find the off switch for that setting in my brain. whatever i feel right now, today, feels so big and permanent, that there is no use for me waiting to see if the feeling changes tomorrow, because i have already convinced myself that it won’t.
and while i have yet to fully break myself out of this thought pattern, i have gotten better and better and better and waiting until tomorrow, until next week, until next month. i can say, with certainty, that every feeling i thought would be forever, hasn’t been. and waiting—staying alive—is the only way i have been able to make this discovery.
in order to survive myself, i need a lifeline to get me through the day. constantly and always. daily lifelines and weekly lifelines. monthly and yearly lifelines. this has been therapy homework for me before—the act of future planning—an assignment, that quite frankly, i used to hate, especially when i was in my intensive outpatient program. it feels impossible to plan for the future when i can’t even see past the next ten minutes.
so i started small. first, my lifeline was the Dr. Pepper waiting for me in my fridge if i willed myself out of bed to get it (and god, it always tasted so good).
then, it was going to poetry slam every tuesday night. then, my lifelines became more plentiful and widespread—a friend’s birthday party, tickets for a concert, a big international trip.
how i’m feeling in my recovery informs the type of lifeline i need, but one thing is for certain—as long as i have at least one thing to look forward to, it gives me at least one more reason to stay alive.
transparently, things are feeling hard for me right now. the warmth of gerald’s body next to mine in bed is a lifeline. playing Baldur’s Gate 3 until 2 am with him is a lifeline.
my dog, my cat, my tuesday night workshop with my friends. plane tickets sitting in my inbox, concert tickets in my ticketmaster app. sometimes it’s okay to need more than just the desire to stay alive. sometimes you need a little lifeline.
a quick disclaimer:
what i have to say next is going to sound salesy, and i don’t mean it to, but as someone whose full-time career has been in marketing for the last nine years, i can call a pitch a pitch.
please know my intentions here are not to make a bunch of money—i want to find other ways to expand my community in places that aren’t just the internet or local poetry readings. i want to meet you where you are.
and transparently, i needed something to do with my hands. i needed somewhere to put the words that i simply just can’t put on my instagram story or in a substack note.
i am starting a snail mail club, but i want you to know—while i want this to act as a lifeline for you, it is a lifeline for me, too.
the first mail will be sent in May for Mental Health Awareness Month, because, of course, it is.
all that aside, i want to introduce you to:
Lifeline: a snail mail subscription
Coping with (or recovering from) a mental health condition can feel lonely, frustrating, and difficult, especially when these conditions can make basic tasks like self-care or getting out of bed challenging.
Lifeline: a snail mail subscription consists of short, newsletter-like updates, poems, mental health resources, links to playlists, and short features from your favorite authors describing why readers should stay alive this month (among other goodies I find along the way!).
why Lifeline?
When brainstorming this idea, I asked myself what would’ve helped me when I was in the depths of my depression, and the answer was simple: Something to look forward to. I created Lifeline with this goal in mind.
I want this monthly snail mail send to be your much-needed dopamine hit, the reason you feel connected to another human, or the reason you get out of bed.
I want it to be a lifeline to those who need it. It’s $5 a month if you’re a subscriber, $7 if it’s a one-time thing, and you can use the code slidingscale to get it at 50% off.
***If you really, really want to receive this mail but can’t afford to spend the extra few bucks a month (which, trust me, I have months when that is the case), please send me an email. I don’t want cost to be prohibitive.***
That said, if you can afford the few bucks a month and more, consider becoming a paid subscriber to this Substack or sending a lil tip my way so I can keep reaching as many people as possible without stretching myself too thin <3
poem of the week:
Outgoing by Matt Rasmussen
i’ve said it before, i’ll say it again, Rasmussen’s Black Aperture is probably one of my favorite poetry collections to date. in many ways, it felt lifesaving.
song of the week:
my emo brother and sister in Christ (MGK and Julia Wolf) released a cover of Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls and I frankly can’t stop listening to it. is it helping my mental? probably not. but goddamn. every song on earth needs a pop punk cover.
i don’t want the world to see me?? cause i don’t think that they’d understand???????? when everything’s made to be broken i just want you to know who i am ????? ya okay
all the love, all the warmth, all the light,
housekeeping:
i made a doc full of book recommendations for people who want to read more poetry but don’t know where to start!
don’t forget to complete your one click today to support aid efforts in Palestine
unfold: poetry + prose, is available on amazon, bookshop, indigo, b&n, or wherever you get books <3
you can still buy paper girl from amazon, barnes & noble, indigo, or your local indie.
i love you. and i see you. and i am so glad you're here.
free and paid subscribers get the archive of essay reflections, poetry + music recommendations, and more — thank you for supporting the tender poets club <3
who i am: a writer, a lover, and a very Black + queer person. i love deeply, forget rarely, and spend most of my time cuddling with my dog, my cat, and my partner.
who i'm not: a therapist, mental health professional, or emergency service. i love hearing the stories of your experiences, but please don't send explicit or triggering details of your story without my prior consent.
if you're in crisis, please call 911 or use any of the following resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741
S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673
SO EXCITED FOR YOUR SNAIL MAIL CLUB!!!!
love this idea 🫶🏻