how i redefined the coming-of-age story
an excerpt of my critical analysis essay + your weekly song and poem recs
hi, friends! i recently posted on instagram about my critical essay for graduate school, and so many folks reached out wanting to read it. here’s the thing: the paper is fifteen pages, plus, i might want to use the literary and lyric analysis for future workshops. so instead, i’m including my essay’s introduction and conclusion — which are the more personal essay-y parts — for this week’s substack post.
if you really want to read the whole essay, send me an email :)
Throughout the constant and unrelenting search for myself, I have turned to poetics as a bible that outlines the necessary steps to understanding — and enduring —life’s growing pains. These growing pains often lead to a different and likely new perception of myself, more commonly understood as a coming-of-age. Miriam-Webster defines coming-of-age as the attainment of prominence, respectability, recognition, or maturity. In addition to this newfound maturity, I recognize the transitional period into this heightened sense of self as a necessary component of a coming-of-age story.
Becoming a new version of myself required a “going through,” a linking, a shift from one version of myself to another. Many recognize a coming-of-age as a singular event that occurs exclusively in adolescence, typically centered around a type of “first,” such as one’s first heartbreak, loss or grief, a significant trauma, or a major transition. However, restricting the coming-of-age experience to adolescence excludes transformations that I and many others consider transitional, prominent, and maturative. A beautiful aspect of coming-of-age stories is that we have abundant experiences throughout our lifetimes, limited only by our willingness to grow, feel, and persist through hardships.
During my childhood and adolescence, I was taught to ask God for direction when navigating hardships, and that God alone could resolve all feelings of abandonment, depression, suicidality, love, warmth, and disgust. Despite decades of attempts to escape into worship when these life events occurred, it never worked for me, only leaving me feeling more stuck, confused, and unhappy. I searched for a better way to move through my emotions, and through this search, I felt seen and found solace in the confessions artists and authors expressed in their craft.
I began to process my significant life events by spending time with music, short stories, and poetry to receive the comfort and validation I needed to guide me through life’s transitionary periods. A lyric or text that described a coming-of-age story became a better poetic testimony than the bible; listening to and reading these stories of transformation has been crucial to my survival.
Just as the Old Testament recounts stories of perseverance through times of despair, and how the New Testament explores a new age of hope and promise after sacrifice, the poetics within my favorite songs and stories highlighted the speaker’s foundation and past and present struggles they endured to reach a revelation of their new self — which supported and paralleled each of my coming-of-age experiences.
It’s important to note — I no longer believe in any God. I believe in stories with no expiration date, but understand they are never one-size-fits-all. Before, I assumed a coming-of-age was a one-time baptism, and I have since learned I would have many baptisms throughout my life. As a child, I had a coming of age each time my family moved to a new home. As a Black woman, I found a coming of age within each microaggression from my peers. I found myself with each breakup and breakdown and breakthrough. With each failed suicide attempt. Within my marriage. During my recovery.
There is no limit to the number of comings of age one can have within their lifetime, and this is adequately represented in the abundance of coming-of-age stories one can find within poetics. To recognize a coming-of-age story within a text, it’s essential to understand that it is more than an arrival to a new self; it’s an escape from the old self. These stories must include three main components: the speaker’s guidance and departure from a situation, a turning point, and a hopeful yet unresolved ending.
These elements look different across genres. When examining a coming-of-age story within a music album, there is often a clear beginning: the protagonist’s foundational, likely unrealized struggle; an obstacle the protagonist will have to overcome; and the protagonist’s final decision to change their circumstance, or a turning point that leads to a resolution which proves the protagonist has survived, feels hopeful — and still has more work to do. Within poetics, a coming-of-age story contains the same elements as songs or a lyrical demonstration; however, the crucial component of a coming-of-age poem is the presence of a clear volta.
In some regard, all poems are an exploration of self and the environment that influences one’s decisions. Because of this, to identify a poem as a coming-of-age poem, the volta must indicate and confirm a component of the speaker’s survival. Before falling in love with poetry, however, I relied on music and lyricism to guide me through the uncertainties within my own struggles. When I couldn’t name my emotions, the lyricism in my favorite songs helped me identify my unrealized struggles. The words of these coming-of-age songs echoed through my body when I encountered obstacles within my journey, and they served as a model to affirm my doubts about survival. At the end of these songs, I am always left feeling recognized and searching for more understanding — both within the meaning of the lyrics and within the meaning of my own life.
The coming-of-age journey isn’t one that you can start and turn back — once you start a song, even if you stop it, you can’t un-listen to what you’ve already heard. When you read poetry or other literary works, you can’t unsee what you have already read, even if you choose not to finish. When one embraces their coming-of-age experiences, they are more likely to regain faith after their hardships if they persevere to the end of their trials. The change required to cope is what leads to one’s transformation.
The ending of a coming-of-age has an open door. The process is ongoing, choosing to constantly move through doors and exist in the in-betweens. I find this in the opening lines of a poem, the bridge of a song, or a novel’s cliffhanger ending. When The Fray begins with singing “Looking for something I’ve never seen,” or the volta when Sandra Cisneros writes, “Maybe one day when you're all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you're three, and that's okay,” or Ada Limón’s hazy finality in “I’ve never been someone / to wish for too much, but now I say, / I want to live a long time.”
There is no way to know how long we might live, but we can choose not to stop the evolution into our new selves. I have only had the privilege to experience a coming-of-age because I am alive to do so. I can write about those experiences because of the texts that have shown me that it’s possible to survive an ending.
with love + poetry,
a poem to get you through the week
in my essay, i analyzed two literary texts. the poem i looked at is one of my favorites of Ada Limón’s: Almost Forty from her collection The Carrying.
if you’re interested in more, in my essay i also did a close look at Eleven by Sandra Cisneros, a short story that never fails to make me feel emotional, comforted, and a bit existential.
an album to add to your on repeat playlist
in my essay i stayed true to my brand: i analyzed several songs in The Fray’s How to Save a Life album. this album mirrored so many of my coming-of-age stories, and it felt so natural and fun to have the chance to do a deep dive into the lyrics, the incredible storytelling, and the cutting existence-related metaphors used throughout this album.
it’s not 2005 anymore, but you should still give this album a re-listen anyway:
a tweet that an embarrassingly large amount of people sent me, because i am both known and seen by my loved ones
housekeeping:
don’t forget to complete your one click today to support aid efforts in Palestine
unfold: poetry + prose, is available on amazon, bookshop, indigo, b&n, or wherever you get books <3
you can still buy paper girl from amazon, barnes & noble, indigo, or your local indie.
i love you. and i see you. and i am so glad you're here.
who i am: a writer, a lover, and a very Black + queer person. i love deeply, forget rarely, and spend most of my time cuddling with my dog, my cat, and my partner.
who i'm not: a therapist, mental health professional, or emergency service. i love hearing the stories of your experiences, but please don't send explicit or triggering details of your story without my prior consent.
if you're in crisis, please call 911 or use any of the following resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Crisis Text Line: Text HELP to 741741
S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends): 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288)
Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention: 1-800-931-2237
RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673
The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
You are so wise, ari. I can tell this essay is stunning just based off of these excerpts.